My sweet boys,
I have been blessed with the job of being a mother, partner, and friend to you both- you are exceptional human beings. My love for you is unconditional, and I am devoted to showing up every single day for each of you in the best way that I can. Walking this path of life with you by my side is the most important thing that I have ever been a part of, and I can’t want to see what else unfolds on our journey together.
Eli: when you were in kindergarten, I knew in my heart that school wasn’t the right choice. You had been through so much at a young age as you struggled with your mental health. Therapy, parenting classes, natural supplements, and behavior specialists- we did it all, but nothing changed. I felt like I had failed as your mother. I missed you. I felt disconnected from you. I didn’t know who you were anymore. With a heavy heart, I mourned the superficial loss of my joyful, playful child that I sent off to pre-school at just three years old. At what felt like my breaking point, we entered into a global pandemic. For some, this was devastating- but for us, it was the gift of a second chance. Being forced to stay home showed us a glimmer of the joy that once existed in you, and we knew that things would never go back to the way they were. I had my little boy back, and I made a promise to myself that I would never send you away again. We have come a long way on our journey together as mother and son. You brought me to my knees time and time again, forcing me to unlearn what I thought parenting should look like. You changed our lives forever and allowed me to dive deeply into my own self-study, awakening a part of my soul that I didn’t know existed. Your determination and zest for life is infectious. Your humor and your smile light up the room. Your empathy and passion for justice is inspirational. You are perfect and whole, just the way you are.
Andre: we have always had a strong attachment to each other. You are my squishy, my love bug, my barnacle- always attached to my hip. Your heart is an ocean of love, constantly overflowing to those around you. I wonder sometimes if our connection grew from the pain of watching Eli suffer while loving him through his struggles. It was your gentle spirit and unconditional love that softened many of our difficult experiences as a family. Sending you to pre-school felt unnatural to me; it felt wrong to separate from you, sending you off to be with strangers all day. When you cried, they told me it was normal. They told me you would stop- but you didn’t. You cried every time, and I cried every time. It didn’t feel normal when the tears dried up, because my heart continued to ache. We were getting used to what would become a lifetime commitment of separation from mother and child- a normal part of our culture. When the pandemic started, I felt a sense of relief knowing that I would have you back home with me, at least for a little while. Once we made the choice to keep you both out of school indefinitely, my heart sang with joy. I knew then that I would never let anyone pull my barnacle off of my hip again, not unless you wanted to go. You have shown me what true compassion looks like. Your kindness flows in waves to all that surround you. Your creativity and understanding of mechanics is remarkable. You are perfect and whole, just the way you are.
When we made the choice to become a homeschooling family, we didn’t sit down and make a spreadsheet to go over our finances. We didn’t worry about curriculum, extracurricular activities, or how you would socialize or make friends. We had one thing in mind- let’s bring the boys home. Let’s spend time with them. Let’s have some fun. Let’s focus on mental and physical health. Let’s invite nature into our lives again. Let’s leave space on the calendar to relax. Let’s have conversations. Let’s be open to trying new things and be willing to let go of things that aren’t working. Our focus was on repairing the damage that had been done when we were complying with the social norm of sending you away from the home to learn. We quickly realized that learning can be done solely through living, and that we had been doing it all along. School was an obstacle that had been put in the way of our natural family dynamic, and we felt ready to get back on track.
Learning alongside both of you is a constant joy in my life. I pinch myself sometimes to make sure I’m not dreaming, because that’s what it feels like- a dream, a gem, a treasure, a delightful state of being. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I didn’t have the opportunity to support your interests as you learn and grow. I will forever hold your hands while you walk on your own unique paths towards your passions and goals, and I will let go of your hands when you feel ready to fly on your own. My support for you knows no bounds, and I feel confident to follow as you lead the way.
I’m a human, not a robot. I have good days and bad days. I don’t always have the tools to regulate my emotions, and neither do you. I have needs and boundaries just like you. I respect you both very much. When you are having a hard time, I try to take a step back and show nothing but empathy and compassion. I try to lead with love and approach each situation with gentle parenting. I try- but like I said, I am not a robot, and neither are you. I don’t expect you to be perfect, and I am always willing to work hard to find solutions to problems. When I make a mistake or cross a boundary, I own it. I apologize and we work through it together, and you do the same for me. I love that about us. Our honesty and willingness to work together makes my heart smile. My hope for you is that as you move through life, you have that same consideration for your friends, your family members, and any other humans that you come in contact with. It’s important to remember that we are all in this together.
If you are going to learn to use your voice, learn to use it with me. Speak with confidence. Let me know how you feel. I’m a sounding board for frustrations and ideas. I’m a safe place to share an opinion or a viewpoint. Speak it loud and speak it proud, I’m here for it.
Anything you share with me can be shared without fear of judgment. I will not shame you for a choice you make or the words that you choose. I will not hold you hostage in your bedroom or take away your most prized possessions. Christmas will never be cancelled. Your things will not end up in the trash. I will never ignore you or give you the cold shoulder. Collaborative problem solving doesn’t need rules. It doesn’t need punishments. We do not need to live in a house full of fear. We can always work together to find a solution, making sure everyone’s needs are met. As a family we make compromises for each other. No, you can’t play in traffic or drink wine. A big job of mine is to keep you safe, and I take that job very seriously. I won’t be unreasonable in what I’m willing to let go of, but I will be authentic with you no matter what. Authentic parenting is at the heart of unschooling.
What is unschooling, anyways? I know we have talked about this before. Life learners, unschoolers, whole life learning, radical unschooling, radical parenting, gentile parenting, natural learning, child-led learning. We can slap a name on it and call it what we want, but the truth is: nobody will do it like we do it. Every family is different, and every child is different. We are walking on our very own long, winding, magical, sometimes bumpy road. It’s beautiful and chaotic and it’s just the way it should be. We don’t know what we know until we know, ya know?
Not everyone understands our family, and that’s ok. You learn without worksheets. You dress in mismatched outfits. You wear your hair the way you want. You choose your food, your shoes, and the way you spend your time. You don’t have to participate and you are allowed to say “no”. You have autonomy over your body- you don’t have to sit on Santa’s lap or give Aunt Sue a big kiss on the cheek if it makes you uncomfortable. You can wiggle and waggle and run around as you please. You eat when you are hungry; you sleep when you are tired. You LEARN WHAT YOU WANT TO LEARN AND HOW YOU WANT TO LEARN IT. You have control over your mind and what you believe in. It sounds wild, but it’s not. It sounds unhinged and unnatural and overly dramatic. It’s none of those things. People may not understand it, and that’s ok. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. You don’t have to jump through hoops and mimic the crowd. You can be your own person- don’t ever conform to make others more comfortable. Listen to your heart, and let your intuition guide you.
For our family, Unschooling has been the coming together of a family torn apart. It’s the healing of relationships. It’s being brave enough to pull back the veil that has been covering our eyes for far too long, revealing old wounds and trauma that needs tending to. It’s re-parenting ourselves while we learn to parent you. It’s waking up, revisiting, revising, and questioning everything. It’s letting go of what we have been conditioned to think is normal and stepping into the unknown. It takes vulnerability, trust, respect, authenticity, and oodles of love.
We are perfect and whole just the way we are, and this is our Journey To Unlearn.
Love, Mom